Mostly Nothing

Before Marriage

Man: Finally… I have waited this time since along time ago.

Woman: Are you willing if I will go?

Man: Oh, sure not! Don’t think like that.

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Sure! It will be forever.

Woman: Are you dating with another women?

Man: No! I shall not do the worst thing.

Woman: Would you kiss me?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Honey…

After Marriage

HINT: Read the dialogue above from below.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That’s terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

A teacher asks her class, ‘’If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'’ She calls on little Johnny. ‘’None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.'’ The teacher replies, ‘’The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'’ Then Little Johnny says, ‘’I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'’ The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ‘’Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'’ ‘’The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.'’

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man’s face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, “Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There’s an old guy’s face there!”

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, “Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!” So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “Do you have any cigarettes?”

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, “He wants a cigarette.”

“Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!” the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, “Step on it!!!”, rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, “What do you think of that?”

The driver replies, “I don’t know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast.”

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!” the passenger yells.

“Well, see what he wants now!” yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, “STEP ON IT!”

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

“OH MY GOD! HE’S BACK!”

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

The old man replies, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place.
He assured the workers that he wouldn’t hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.

As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain’t never seen anything like that before and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years."

–

Yea yea yea… I’m still alive! If you wonder where I’ve been… Hmm… no simple answer for that question. It’s life, sometimes it’s rough, sometimes it’s zigzag, sometimes it’s up and down, sometimes you don’t know what chocolate you’re gonna get out of its box. Well, just a short entry to let you know I’m alive… hahaha… who knows… Ok here’s someting funny just to fill the space.

—

There were once an old couple, both aged beyond their time. One day, as the two were sleeping soundly, the man got up to use the bathroom. As the man returned, he was overjoyed! He exclaimed, "Oh my god! I’ve just witnessed a miracle!" His wife curious, asks him to elaborate. So the old cuckold explained, "So i was using the bathroom, and when I entered to use the toilet, the lights magically turned on all by itself! As I was doing my business, I smelled sweet desserts and fruits. Such heavenly aromas… And when I was finished, the lights magically turned off… It was obviously a message from the Almighty himself!" They both took a moment of silence… Then the wife smacked her head and said, "Oh no! You pissed in the fridge again…"

—

EACHER: How old were you on your last birthday
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That’s impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn’t, Teacher. I’m eight today.

***

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George

***

TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?BILLY: No, I’m Billy Anderson.

***

TEACHER: Didn’t you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don’t expect you to keep yours.

***

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

***

HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

***

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

***

TEACHER: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn’t either.

***

GARY: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

***